i’m sick :( i have a stupid cold. no surprise, really, since pat was sick a few days ago. i should’ve seen it coming but after like the first 6 months of teaching pre-k i stopped getting sick entirely, because my immune system had gone into, like, agonizing death and slow rebirth. but it’s been a few months since being constantly exposed to little kid germs, so it makes sense, i guess that i’m sick. better now than in a few weeks when i’d have to take off work. pat brought me over some soup and cough drops and i feel a little better, but i can’t sleep.
on that note, abeni made me realize that essentially next week is my last full week off (and isn’t even really because i have TFA PD on saturday the 18th). so this is my last weekend. and then next week and then i’m really due back to work.
sometimes i wish i believed in god… any kind of god… so i knew what to do when i felt like i needed some kind of magical influx of strength and fortitude. but i don’t, so i guess i’ll just search for it where i always do, inside my stupid self.
something cool that once happened to me
is that a few weeks ago i was finally mowing my lawn after months of not mowing it and found, inexplicably, an unopened 6-pack of natty boh hiding in the shade of the sugar magnolia tree. i have no idea where this beer came from (i’m not really the type to absentmindedly do anything, especially leave alcohol i paid for somewhere stupid like, um, outside). the better thing that happened is that i’m currently drinking the beers and they are not—i repeat, NOT—skunked! and people say there is no god.
anyways, an uncool thing that once happened to me is that today i was in a really bad mood because i realized summer is basically over. i know it’s only the first week in july… okay, the second week in july, i guess, but two weeks ago i got a Lakeshore catalogue that was all BACK TO SCHOOL~~~!!!!!!! and i cried. and then a man at rite aid told me while i was buying a kiddie pool that i should buy more “summer seasonal” stuff because he was about to change it over to school supplies and i cried some more.
at the end of the year, i was all, okay, my job is okay, and my kids are GREAT, and i can do this. but now that august is virtually upon me, because, let’s face, i’ll probably essentially waste july as i did june, i feel the doom setting in. august will be, like, the longest sunday evening dread fest EVER. i don’t know if i can do it. especially with the anxiety of not knowing if i’m gonna have my wonderful para anymore, things look sort of grim. especially with the school being reconfigured, turned over to the state, and us getting a direct instruction curriculum next year, i’m basically terrified. and miserable.
but did i waste june? i mean, i’ve done a lot of stuff this summer that was really fun and i spent really fun days with my friends and done a lot of relaxing and sleeping in and a little travel and i’m hoping to do some more travel and more sleeping in and more hanging out. i’m so conditioned to feel guilty if i’m not DOING THINGS ALL THE TIME that all this free time has made me even more neurotic and irritable than ever. my partner even said that he thought i might have been happier while i was working—which is something i never thought i’d ever believe. but maybe it’s true.
and then i listen to myself and realize i’m complaining about having the awesome leisure of doing nothing for two months while still being employed and knowing i’m going to start getting paid in a few more weeks and i sound like a privileged idiot and i feel even more guilty, like, oh, summer is awesome but it’s not ~*~awesome enough~*~ for me?
i should just enjoy my lawn beer and relax, right?
Today, in the height of what is turning out to be my DAILY hysterical meltdown, my helpless parents were trying to comfort me while watching an episode of HBO’s Treme on demand in the background. And as the episode progressed, my sobs eventually turned to maniacal laughter because one of the characters was working on a rap that went like this:
Four years at Radcliffe, that’s all you know
A desire to do good and a 4.0
You’re here to save us from our plight
You got the answer ‘cause you’re rich and white
On a two-year sojourn here to stay
Teach for America all the way
Got no idea what you’re facin’
No clue just who you’re displacin’
Old lady taught fathers, old lady taught sons
Old lady bought books for the little ones
Old lady put in 30 years
Sweat and toil, time and tears
Was that really your sad intention?
Help the state of Louisiana deny her pension.
And, uh, lol. This was just SUCH perfect comedic timing. Everything he was saying was so much what I am terrified of being true that it really was fucking hysterical. We all laughed. Maybe I just need to put all of my troubles and worst fears to a rap beat if I want to stop being so horribly depressed. I guess I’m done crying for tonight.
I kiiiiiiiiiinda think I would rather throw myself into a pit of knives, serpents, needles, lions’ teeth, and vinegar than stay in my house for the next four weeks before training starts.
…Is that normal?