:with love and squalor

something cool that once happened to me

is that a few weeks ago i was finally mowing my lawn after months of not mowing it and found, inexplicably, an unopened 6-pack of natty boh hiding in the shade of the sugar magnolia tree.  i have no idea where this beer came from (i’m not really the type to absentmindedly do anything, especially leave alcohol i paid for somewhere stupid like, um, outside).  the better thing that happened is that i’m currently drinking the beers and they are not—i repeat, NOT—skunked!  and people say there is no god.

anyways, an uncool thing that once happened to me is that today i was in a really bad mood because i realized summer is basically over.  i know it’s only the first week in july… okay, the second week in july, i guess, but two weeks ago i got a Lakeshore catalogue that was all BACK TO SCHOOL~~~!!!!!!! and i cried.  and then a man at rite aid told me while i was buying a kiddie pool that i should buy more “summer seasonal” stuff because he was about to change it over to school supplies and i cried some more.

at the end of the year, i was all, okay, my job is okay, and my kids are GREAT, and i can do this.  but now that august is virtually upon me, because, let’s face, i’ll probably essentially waste july as i did june, i feel the doom setting in.  august will be, like, the longest sunday evening dread fest EVER.  i don’t know if i can do it.  especially with the anxiety of not knowing if i’m gonna have my wonderful para anymore, things look sort of grim.  especially with the school being reconfigured, turned over to the state, and us getting a direct instruction curriculum next year, i’m basically terrified.  and miserable.

but did i waste june?  i mean, i’ve done a lot of stuff this summer that was really fun and i spent really fun days with my friends and done a lot of relaxing and sleeping in and a little travel and i’m hoping to do some more travel and more sleeping in and more hanging out.  i’m so conditioned to feel guilty if i’m not DOING THINGS ALL THE TIME that all this free time has made me even more neurotic and irritable than ever.  my partner even said that he thought i might have been happier while i was working—which is something i never thought i’d ever believe.  but maybe it’s true.

and then i listen to myself and realize i’m complaining about having the awesome leisure of doing nothing for two months while still being employed and knowing i’m going to start getting paid in a few more weeks and i sound like a privileged idiot and i feel even more guilty, like, oh, summer is awesome but it’s not ~*~awesome enough~*~ for me?

i should just enjoy my lawn beer and relax, right?