Today, in the height of what is turning out to be my DAILY hysterical meltdown, my helpless parents were trying to comfort me while watching an episode of HBO’s Treme on demand in the background. And as the episode progressed, my sobs eventually turned to maniacal laughter because one of the characters was working on a rap that went like this:
Four years at Radcliffe, that’s all you know A desire to do good and a 4.0 You’re here to save us from our plight You got the answer ‘cause you’re rich and white On a two-year sojourn here to stay Teach for America all the way Got no idea what you’re facin’ No clue just who you’re displacin’ Old lady taught fathers, old lady taught sons Old lady bought books for the little ones Old lady put in 30 years Sweat and toil, time and tears Was that really your sad intention? Help the state of Louisiana deny her pension.
And, uh, lol. This was just SUCH perfect comedic timing. Everything he was saying was so much what I am terrified of being true that it really was fucking hysterical. We all laughed. Maybe I just need to put all of my troubles and worst fears to a rap beat if I want to stop being so horribly depressed. I guess I’m done crying for tonight.
Metaphysical interconnectedness becomes apparent as bodily complaints flare up or ease according to your emotional and/or psychological state. This forces you to still your mind and avoid people and situations that rile. Wednesday’s Solar Eclipse ushers in a new era of putting well being first. Pushing yourself to the limit helped you survive—no longer doing so is how you now thrive. Saturn in Libra joins in a Grand Cross configuration by Friday. This gives you the requisite discipline to let life unfold without manipulating it to achieve desired outcomes. Thus hanging back, you make more room for love or money.
Outside the window they’re building the damn hotel, nail by nail, someone’s crumbling dream. A universe that includes you can’t be all bad, but does it? At this distance you’re a mirage, a glossy image fixed in the posture of the last time I saw you. Turn you over, there’s the place for the address. Wish you were here. Love comes in waves like the ocean, a sickness which goes on & on, a hollow cave in the head, filling & pounding, a kicked ear.
all the things i hate about this time of year are creeping up on me. the oppressive heat is finally settling in and it’s so hard to find an outfit that looks okay with my stupid flabby arms, and there are bugs everywhere and i just accidentally squashed one on my computer screen which made me want to cry because i am so endlessly and boundlessly sensitive and compassionate that i can’t even stand killing insects which probably seems kind of cute but is actually just pretty pathetic.
today my best friend and i ate at a lebanese restaurant and we had a disagreement, as we are wont to do, over the nature of friendship and my proclivity for cutting people out of my life without explanation or warrant. an old woman tottered, literally, tottered over to our table in the empty restaurant and proceeded to regale us, unsolicited, with her abridged life story. it was all quite poignant, but the most resonant part was when she told us that she was sad sometimes, and wants for something more. ”i feel empty sometimes,” she said, “in a way that i didn’t in the past.” she said she thinks there is more to life, and although she likes the friends she is at the restaurant with, they are dull and they do not understand how much they are all missing out on. she must have been 85. and she was beautiful, with huge, green/brown eyes and exquisite eyelashes. it felt like a dream. it really, really, really seemed like something i would have dreamed.
when she said she feels empty these days, i knew i was looking into my future. a woman 60 years my senior at least was standing in front of me telling me that she wishes she had a more interesting life. i cried myself to sleep last night because i am worried i am not going to have a more interesting life. if i were more spiritual, or just didn’t suck so much, maybe i would be able to take a positive message from this bizarre encounter, but instead it just made me feel even more empty than i already did.
i’m definitely in shock. barely even remember yesterday, already. and suddenly into the next chapter before i’ve even finished turning the page on this last one—
four years is a long time when you’re young
i will miss everything about src for as long as i can remember it which will not be very long. i miss everything already but i know this missing will pass as this season passes and before long i will be too deep into something else to miss it too much
my new life plan is to never live under the same roof as someone who is sexually active ever again. Like SHUT THE FUCK UP IT’S 2 A.M. I’VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 7 AFTER SLEEPING FOR THREE HOURS YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE ANYMORE
“When I notice that the radio is broken,
I see you standing there in the doorway soaking
The water drizzles off of you down to the floor
and I say that I don’t want to live in New England anymore”—The Mountain Goats, “Orange Ball of Hate”
i will walk down to the end with you if you will come all the way down with me - i want to say i’m sorry for stuff i haven’t done yet, things will shortly get completely out of hand, i can feel it in the rotten air tonight - i hope you die, i hope we both die - i wanted you to love me like you used to do - a weekend in utah can’t fix what’s wrong with us - we were the one thing in the galaxy god didn’t have his eyes on - if we never make it back to california i want you to know i love ya, but my love is like a dark cloud full of rain that’s always right there up above ya - i remember when we kept it pretty, you and i - we are experts in the art of frivolous spending - i got termites in the framework, so do you - sleep like dead men, wake up like dead men - everything’s gonna be okay soon, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day - our friends say it’s darkest before the sun rieses, we’re pretty sure they’re all wrong - people say friends don’t destroy one another, what do they know about friends? - your love is like a cyclone in a swamp and the weather’s getting warmer - okay so look i am 17 years old and you’re the last best thing i got goin’ - my love for you is 98 percent pure but the 2 percent that remains has fried the circuits in my brain - the deathless love that we swore to protect with our bodies is stumbling across its bleak ending - i am healthy, i am whole, but i have poor impulse control - you find shelter somewhere in me, i find great comfort in you - i want to go home but i am home
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” — Anaïs Nin
turn the volume up real high, all of that money, look at it fly. and you smoking like a chimney. shadows crawled across the livingroom’s length, i held onto you with a desperate strength, with everything. with everything in me.
i handed you a drink of the lovely little thing on which our survival depends . people say friends dont destroy one another, what do they know about friends?
thunder clouds forming, cream white moon, everything’s gonna be okay soon. maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day.
Born under the only inanimate sign symbol—the Scales—you can be said to quell your very human emotions. Now the opposite is true as Pluto, controlling your fountain of feelings, is being worked up by other planets. Though some anger and sadness is elicited along with untold joy, exaltation and good old-fashioned enthusiasm, you revel in being so viscerally accessed. Still, it can take others off guard. People expect deliberation, not vivid expression, from you. As you humanize in their eyes, you’re shown more affection. You’re also solicited for attention, reminding you why you keep it stoic in the first place.
“Everything is connected and everything matters. There’s not an atom in our bodies…that has not been forged in the furnace of the sun. Now, isn’t that cool?”—Bernard Jaffe, “I Heart Huckabees.” (via teaforonesvp)