i don’t know what’s wrong with me but all this talk of snow and sweaters has built up this giant knot in my stomach and i really just want to quit my job and go back to new england and get into a bed and never leave it. is that so wrong?
i’m not going to quit because i really don’t want to be one of those tfa cliches, but i really hope i don’t have to be so miserable for the next two years. like i hope there’s some point where i go numb at least.
all i know is i have to get out of the mid atlantic and go to new england when i’m plotting my next move because i can’t take much more of this. i like baltimore just fine but something about the lights and the sirens, the trash and the rats, the constant throngs of people and voices and screaming and all the cars and the vandals hitting and keying my car every day at work and the temperamental weather and all the reasons i hated growing up in DC… these things just don’t ever change and it’s enough to really weigh on a person. i’m so tired all the time, but it’s not the kind of tired that sleeping can cure.
even though there are a lot of valid criticisms about teach for america, the organization’s most vocal opponents are so ignorant as to how the hiring process actually works, and also how broken the public school system in america actually is regardless of teach for america’s involvement. they make it sound like i snatched my job out of the hands of some poor, defenseless, well-trained, invested, involved teacher who was just dying to teach at *literally* the lowest functioning, poorest, most dangerous elementary/middle school in baltimore city. i can guarantee you, that is not how it happened. not even close. there is no one, anywhere, in this country, other than a teach for america corps member, who would competing for the placement that i have. people say, “oh, tfa gives jobs to teachers with no training/experience at schools that need teachers with the MOST training and experience and that is why it is evil.” i just want to meet these people in person so i can personally slap some sense into them. they make it sound like there’s a line of people around the block trying to work at schools like mine. anyone who says this, i can personally assure, is not actually involved in teaching in a low-income community and may not even be involved in education at all.
also, the teach for america hate, i believe, is a manifestation of white privilege and, more specifically, some abstracted sense of white guilt where people don’t want to believe that the americans who have actually personally undertaken the burden of improving our failing school system are doing it for reasons of altruism or passion or investment, but rather to pad resumes or, i don’t know, colonize the inner-city. excuse me. that is the most insulting thing anyone has ever insinuated about my character. if i didn’t think i could teach my children, i would have quit by now—believe me, there’s no other reason to stick around in this system. i always say, the enemy of perfect isn’t good. teach for america is not perfect, but that doesn’t make it evil. and people who sit around posting nasty comments on washington post and edweek articles about how evil i am are the same people who have no interest in fixing or bettering anything at all. no wonder our schools are failing. they are a reflection of our society, a society which my school can serve as a microcosm to signify. no one wants to take accountability for anything, including (and especially) the wellbeing of the children the system is supposed to protect and serve. well FUCK. THAT. i’m working harder than i’ve ever worked, on something more challenging than i’ve ever encountered, and it still doesn’t feel like enough. what i want to say to these anonymous haters—who i feel put me in the bizarre position of defending an organization that i have my own critiques of to begin with—is what can you say you’re doing?
I saw a sign on the Dunkin’ Donuts I get my daily pumpkin coffee every morning at saying that a lady was assaulted/attempted to be abducted by a “tan” man potentially driving his “light colored pick up truck” on Hickory & Weldon, which is kind of scary because that’s close to my house, but also I haven’t seen any signs anywhere else so I thought I would post this here.
Although, it did make me feel like this is a safe neighborhood because, even though that happened, the other neighborhoods I have to spend time in every day would never have signs like that because that kind of shit happens all the time. Still, I feel really safe in Hampden and I think maybe I need to be more on guard than I have been.
i keep ordering like once a week or so from this chinese place that’s like 3 ft away from my house in hampden and every time i do it i know it’s a horrible idea but i do it anyway and then i feel disgusting and greasy and sick and so fat for days after, just long enough for it to stop by the time to order it again the next week.
i need to go on a diet. i need to get my jcard so i can start going to the gym! i need to go to hot yoga again and i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to run every day, my god. just because i’m incredibly busy, anxious, sleep-deprived, sad, and miserable all the time doesn’t mean i can afford to gain a million pounds.
i just actually ate the entire pound and a half of spinach i bought today at the farmers’ market, which by the way, is not very much spinach as it turns out. it was so good but now i’m lying in bed still hungry and kind of sad because now i have nothing else to eat for the rest of the week.
it’s so sad… the school is really scary sometimes… but it’s not THAAAAAAT BAD. at least, my kids are fine. i feel like they’re trying to make an example out of us, because most of the other public general enrollment schools in south west are probably almost as bad. i just don’t want to lose my kids!
weird shit i did today which might mean i'm suffering spontaneous brain damage
1) went to w. northern parkway instead of e. northern parkway for the professional development i had this morning and then got stuck by a car accident so was half an hour late for the PD and wasn’t allowed in (thanks baltimore. usually, n, e, s, w on streets doesn’t mean anything, but when it does, it REALLY does.). hello, i’m never late. except for like, once every 3 weeks.
2) cried when the said i couldn’t go into the pd because i was so late
3) waited for the bouncers to leave and then sneaked into the pd anyway
4) drove like a fucking IDIOT and i mean idiot, which is unusual for me. made at least 10 u-turns. at LEAST 10. got lost going to towson.
5) tried to get of the car to put in gas while in reverse instead of park
6) almost caused several car accidents
7) tried to pay my target bill with my driver’s license
8) cleaned my mirrors with wipes… hello… now they are more smeared than i’ve ever seen them
9) walked around after dark with head phones on
10) made a lot of code switching errors/inappropriate word usage errors
…i’m not kidding, this was an OFF day. usually i’m so sharp. maybe i’m finally dying from b-12 deficiency. i actually took zinc and b-12 when i came home… haha… #veganism. is mercury in retrograde? no. is it a full moon? no. why?!
DOES ANYONE I’VE MET SINCE COLLEGE NOT BELIEVE IN GOD OTHER THAN ME?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m about to, just, die. how can i just be, so, idk, i don’t know, um, what’s the word… oh.
enlightened, no, smart, no… not… um…………..
there’s no such thing as a calling! i teach because i want to! not because jesus told me to! some people don’t even believe in jesus! not only do some people not want to pray to jesus, they don’t want to pray
yeah so ew. i had to waste 2 of my 10 sick days on this fucking stomach virus and i feel suuuuuuper guilty because i know my school hasn’t hired a substitute and my para has the class alone and it’s really unfair and fucked up and i feel so guilty even though i am LEGITIMATELY SICK and it doesn’t matter how early i call; they still won’t hire one. ughhhhhhh :( wah
oh, my god. i really don’t find beavis and butthead funny, but i find it even less funny when it interrupts Jersey Shore for some stupid promo. mtv, what the fuck are you doing, seriously? now i don’t know what snooki’s bf said to her when she apparently cheated on him with vinnie.
i saw a college-aged boy bike ride by me on a nice, new bike with nice biking gear when i was leaving work today, on the streets of sandtown, and i thought to myself, “o boy you’re in the wrong neighborhood” especially since there’s nothing but ‘hood for miles around.
'course, i also think that to myself every fucking day. teach for america is so strange